Save this story Save Story Save this story When Alexa met Amelia at an event, she felt an instant kinship. They had so much in common—they were both in their mid-30s, both working at wellness startups, and both reeling from recent breakups . They exchanged numbers and started texting immediately. Their first “date” was at a neighborhood wine bar where they sipped vermouth and commiserated about the terrible thrill of being single again. Soon after, they were hanging out all the time—pilates on Tuesday mornings, dinner on Friday nights, takeout in Alexa’s living room on hungover Sunday afternoons. “We were so alike and in such similar life stages; our friendship felt almost cosmically aligned,” Alexa says.
That is, until about a year in, when Alexa started to sense that something about their dynamic wasn’t quite right. For one, Amelia’s problems had started to dominate their conversations—how much she hated her new boss, how she thought her new apartment was a dump, how frustrated she was that yet another guy she liked hadn’t texted her back . It seemed like her grievances were all they ever talked about now.
“It was all legitimate and I wanted to be supportive, but I started to feel drained whenever we hung out,” Alexa explains. “She rarely asked how I was, and if she did, somehow the topic always shifted back to herself. I started to feel like a therapist , not a best friend.”
Still, Alexa stuck it out. She figured everyone has bad months, and, anyway, they used to have so much fun. Maybe things would turn around. Then, Alexa landed a new job: a top position at her dream company. Naturally, Amelia was the first person she called. “I expected her to be excited for me, but all she said was, ‘Well, I’m not surprised. I’ve heard they hire anyone.’”
Alexa was stunned. After all, Amelia knew how much time she had spent preparing for each interview; how badly she’d wanted this job. “When I told her my feelings were hurt, she got kind of mad. She said that I was being too sensitive.”
The exchange was a wake-up call. Alexa began reconsidering other moments she’d previously brushed off—how Amelia would sometimes cancel plans last-minute or make little jabs. Had their friendship always been this way? Or had something fundamental changed? And what, exactly, should she do about it?
It’s a familiar dilemma for anyone who’s watched a once-close friendship turn unexpectedly fraught. After all, even the healthiest relationships have their ups and downs. So how do you distinguish a run-of-the-mill rough patch from a truly toxic dynamic? Here, psychologists and relationship experts provide insight on how to navigate the rocky terrain of a toxic friendship.
Even our truest ride-or-dies can occasionally get on our nerves, disappoint us, or say something mean. That doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is unhealthy. In fact, licensed mental health counselor Carla Haughton says it’s important to remember that “toxic” is a word that gets thrown around a lot: “‘Toxic friendship’ is an everyday description, not a clinical diagnosis,” she notes. “It describes a friendship where harmful behaviors become a recurring pattern : belittling, manipulation, disregard for boundaries, or pressure to put one person’s needs above the other’s.”
Another key distinction, experts say, is how two people handle conflict. In healthy friendships, disagreements can be talked about openly, both people are willing to take responsibility for their actions, and neither one feels like they have to sacrifice who they are in order to maintain the relationship. There’s mutual respect, along with room for personal growth and the occasional bad day or slip-up. “You should be able to say, ‘That hurt me,’ without being humiliated for bringing it up,” Haughton says.
In other words, a toxic friendship is one in which the emotional math isn’t mathing: You give a lot, get little in return, and somehow feel worse about yourself along the way. When that dynamic becomes the rule rather than the exception, it’s worth paying attention.
The tricky thing about toxic friendships is that the red flags aren’t always crystal clear. Sometimes they arrive in the form of a weird compliment, a joke at your expense, or jealousy about spending time with other people. When those things happen once in a while, they can seem pretty innocuous. But when they happen again and again, they can take a toll.
“We picture toxic friendships as loud and volatile, with fight after fight , but it’s much quieter than that,” explains Dr. Paulette Didia , a licensed clinical psychologist. “It is as if there are two people in the room but only enough oxygen for one.”
One especially tell-tale sign is when you begin changing your behavior to accommodate the other person. Maybe you hesitate to share good news because you know they’ll find a way to rain on your parade. Or you find yourself laughing along with jokes that sting or carefully rehearsing what you’ll say because you anticipate criticism or competition. Haughton calls this “editing your happiness.”
Sometimes, however, the most revealing clue is really just the way you feel after you’ve spent time with this friend. Do you go home feeling cherished, supported, inspired, and energized, or do you leave feeling anxious, exhausted, pathetic, and sad? “The sign isn’t necessarily that your friend does something obviously wrong. Sometimes the sign is that you may be hiding or changing parts of yourself in order to maintain the friendship,” Didia explains.
Obviously, spending time with someone who regularly criticizes, dismisses, or undermines you can make you feel pretty crappy—and sometimes, that can lead to a sense of self-doubt that seeps into other areas of your life. You might begin second-guessing even the most mundane decisions—like the wording of a text—or feeling stressed about interactions that once seemed effortless. “When you spend enough time in a relationship where your feelings are minimized, you may eventually begin minimizing them yourself,” explains Dr. Dani Renée Moye , a licensed marriage and family therapist.
The effects can be especially insidious because they often develop gradually. A person who once felt confident may begin scrutinizing the way they show up in all their relationships. They might apologize unnecessarily, struggle to assert their needs, or become increasingly dependent on gaining approval. “The damage can show up in the questions you start asking yourself,” Haughton says. “‘Was that hurtful?’ becomes ‘Am I too difficult to be friends with?’”
If a friendship consistently makes you blue, it seems wise to simply end it . But, as anyone who’s ever struggled with a complicated relationship knows, it’s rarely that simple. For starters, even a toxic friendship can have good times—there might still be fun nights out, heart-to-heart talks, and moments of true connection.
The result can become a case of cognitive dissonance in its purest form—you might constantly be trying to reconcile this seemingly great person with behavior that feels no bueno: Well, she did buy concert tickets for my birthday and make a big deal about getting the cake she knows I love; she can’t be that terrible of a friend.
Then, there’s the emotional pull of shared history. Unlike a relatively new acquaintance, a longtime friend may have witnessed some of the most significant moments of your life—breakups, divorces, childbirth, health scares, everything. They know your sister, remember your old boyfriends, and have every hilariously embarrassing story memorized from decades ago. Walking away from them can feel like walking away from an earlier version of yourself.
But sometimes the reasons we don’t want to leave a friendship can go even deeper. According to relational expert Jola Jovani , embodying certain roles within a friendship can make an unhealthy dynamic feel strangely rewarding. “You might have taken on a role like ‘the mom’ or ‘the saviour’ in the friendship and this can make you feel special or needed even if you do not receive the same consideration or support,” she explains.
In other words, being the person someone always turns to for advice or reassurance can provide a sense of purpose—even when the relationship is decidedly one-sided. These tendencies can have deep roots. According to psychologist and marriage and family therapist Stacey Simmons , people who learned early in life to earn affection through caregiving, people-pleasing, or self-sacrifice may find themselves repeating that dynamic in adult friendships . “When patterns feel familiar we think they’re normal,” she explains.
Then there’s the prospect of actually ending the friendship. Unlike romantic breakups, a friendship breakups rarely come with an established script. There is no acceptable “It’s not you, it’s me” for besties. Worse, a friendship rift can have consequences for an entire social circle, especially if the two of you have a ton of mutual friends. “Leaving a toxic friendship can be very lonely,” Simmons says. “The security of having a friend is gone, and the only one who understood the dynamic is you.”
Thankfully, a friendship that’s gone rogue isn’t always beyond repair . But as with any relationship, salvaging it requires both people to acknowledge what’s happening and be willing to change.
Moye encourages first distinguishing between a temporary rupture and a destructive pattern. The former might involve an insensitive comment, a misunderstanding, or a disagreement that can be resolved through honest communication. The latter occurs when the same hurtful behavior continues despite repeated attempts to address it. It’s a cycle, not a one-off.
Of course, both situations might require having a potentially uncomfortable conversation. But rather than making sweeping accusations about your friend’s character— you’re always such a Debbie Downer! —experts recommend identifying specific behaviors and explaining how they affect you. For example, you might say, “I care about you, but when you make jokes at my expense, it hurts my feelings, and I need that to stop,” suggests licensed marriage and family therapist Kati Morton .
Establishing boundaries is also helpful. That can look like refusing to engage in conversations that become disrespectful, limiting how much support you’re able to provide, or making it clear that certain topics are off-limits. Crucially, a boundary should also establish what you will do if the behavior continues. For instance, you might explain that you’ll end a conversation if your friend continues making snide comments about your weight, hair, boyfriend , green juice habit , or whatever it is that’s been bumming you out.
Your friend might not love this. They might even get a little defensive. But what matters most is what happens next: Do they reflect on what you’ve said, take accountability, and make an effort to change? Or do they dismiss your concerns and go about their day? “An apology is a beginning; repair is what happens in the interactions afterward,” Haughton says.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a friendship simply can’t be repaired . But before making the decision to part ways, Moye suggests asking yourself a few questions: “Have I communicated my concerns clearly? Has this person demonstrated a willingness to understand my experience? Am I remaining in this friendship because of who we are today, or because of who we used to be?”
As for the actual breakup, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Depending on the situation, you might gradually fade out, create distance, redefine the friendship, or have a direct conversation explaining your decision to move on.
For those who prefer a straightforward approach, Morton suggests something along the lines of, “This friendship hasn’t felt healthy for me for a while, and I think I need some space.” You don’t need to convince your friend that they’re responsible for the relationship’s demise—in fact, it might be better to simply communicate your decision clearly and compassionately without rehashing every past disagreement or assigning blame .
If you find yourself missing your friend afterward, that’s understandable. Much like a romantic breakup , ending a friendship can involve a lot of grief—not only for the relationship itself, but also for the memories, rituals, and future experiences you’d imagined. It can also bring up a complicated swirl of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, regret, and even relief. But as Moye puts it, “You can honor what a friendship once meant to you without continuing to participate in what it has become.”
Which brings us to one final point worth considering: Sometimes you’re the one contributing to an unhealthy dynamic. It’s an idea no one likes to consider, but experts say it deserves some honest reflection. After all, nobody navigates every relationship perfectly. We can all be jealous, self-absorbed, defensive, or inconsiderate at times without realizing how our behavior impacts others. “Having unhealthy behaviors doesn’t necessarily make you a ‘toxic person,’” Didia assures. “We all mess up sometimes, especially with our friends who (hopefully) get to see all sides of us.”
Being willing to recognize our not-so-cute behaviors and take responsibility for changing them can make all the difference. Maybe consider how you respond when a friend shares good news. Are you actually happy for them, or do you secretly compare their success with your own? When someone tells you that you’ve hurt their feelings, do you listen and try to understand, or immediately become defensive? And when it comes to emotional support, are you giving as good as you get?
Ultimately, true friendship requires self-awareness, humility, and a willingness to grow on both sides. It’s always easier to point out the ways in which other people mess up instead of holding a mirror up to ourselves.
Alexa eventually came to a similar realization herself. Her friendship with Amelia eventually fizzled out—but not before she had to face a few uncomfortable truths about herself. “I spent so much time ruminating about all the ways she was being a bad friend that I never really considered my own role in the situation,” she says. “I wasn’t really communicating what I needed. I was just kind of expecting her to know. But being a friend sometimes means saying things you’d rather avoid.”
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Source: Lifestyle
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